Walk, Talk, Sit, Meet . . . Matter

Whenever I feel afraid
I hold my head erect
And whistle a happy tune
So no one will suspect

   I'm afraid. . .

                           -- Anna (from The King and I)

    

      I set out one evening at a brisk pace, warming up for a jog. I didn’t get far before my next-door neighbor called out from her front porch, where she was sitting with her husband.

     “What are you going to do?” she asked.

     “I’m going for a run,” I answered. She laughed, so I went over to see what this was about.

     “We thought you were going over there to calm things down,” she told me.

     I listened for a moment, and realized what she was talking about. A couple down the street was having a loud argument, well-peppered with vulgarities, and was sharing it via the open windows.

     This was a private neighborhood and I was the association president. There was reason for my neighbor’s curiosity – she thought I was out to exercise whatever authority I might have to restore peace, or at least quiet.

     That had not been my intent before I knew of the disruption, nor was it after she clued me in.

How to Argue -- Properly

     This very intense, very intelligent guy startled me by saying something I never had heard before.

     He interrupted a vigorous argument with me by saying. “You know, Jim, I see your point now. I agree with you. You’re right.”

     I was beyond surprised. Why did he do that?

     I’ve thought about that conversation often, and it has changed my basic thinking about why and how to disagree. I now see that the man understood argument in its finest sense, as an opportunity to jointly seek truth and value.

     At first look, this idea may seem ridiculous. But if you put aside conventional thinking, it changes the entire perspective.    

      Some people set out to win all their arguments. Some never win any. Many, perhaps most, rarely argue at all.

     Thoughtful people disagree with all of them. They know that all three types – those who dominate, those who lose the battles and those who avoid engagement entirely – are missing important opportunities. None of the three really know how to reap the benefits of constructive interaction amid differences. They misunderstand what argument can be and what it can do.

How to Avoid Avoidance

     “I never listen to the readers. All they ever do is (complain).”
     I heard that comment from an editor back when I was in the news business; it’s been a handy start to conversations about customer service ever since.
     In a broader context, it shines the light on a deadlier failure, that of management, in the corrosive practice of ignoring/avoiding problems.

     I got the “benefit” of a double whammy in this regard once. I was working for a man who insisted on keeping decision-making in his own hands, which made his say-so a requirement for any staff response to whatever might come up.
    One morning he didn’t even pause as I attempted to get an answer to a rather minor matter that, if neglected, was capable of disproportionately messing up our day. “I’m going to a meeting,” he said as he walked away.
     He brushed aside both my interruption and the original issue. Any old decision probably would have made it go away; instead, the staff was tangled up for a couple of hours.

     How much of that “management” does it take to destroy productivity and drive away quality employes? And the editor who ignored his readers? The damage from stonewalling your end users that way can be unknowable, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be considerable.

     You can understand how that sort of thing comes about. It’s no fun when things are painfully not the way they’re supposed to be. Avoiding the discomfort is a perfectly human reaction.
     But it’s not management.

Me and My Personality

Is personality unchanged and unchangeable?

 

“I Yam What I Yam.” -- Popeye

     “He wanted me to change my personality.”

     That’s what the young woman told staff members after a counseling session. It was the first and last conversation in what had been projected as a series of talks to help her learn management.
     I had been asked to speak with her because, as newly appointed editor of a small weekly newspaper, she had inaugurated her “reign” by summoning the staff members, one by one, to appear before her and her second-in-command to explain why they should keep their jobs.
     Some of those people had been reporting that town for years. They had been fellow staff members with her in her brief history at the paper. They knew her.
     They would have considered this spectacle hilarious if their personal livelihoods hadn’t been at stake. 
     In this particular example, the central figure came from a prominent family that had just sold the paper to a regional organization.  

Negotiating Oranges & Project Stakes

     Oranges used to be really big in the negotiation industry.
     One practice case opened with the story of a dozen oranges – unlike any others in the world – that possessed powerful medicinal properties.
     A group of scientists needed the oranges to save an entire village from certain death. A competing group had to have those oranges if it was to create a vaccine that would save future generations from great suffering. Both groups insisted they needed all the fruit.
     A simpler case involved a brother and sister disputing possession of a single orange. The essential nature of the situation was the same as that of the scientists. However, in the siblings’ case, the Dad stepped in to deal with the problem (not satisfactorily).
     I use a similar approach in negotiation training for project managers. No fruit, but I mix in a marriage, employment security, a failing project and the survival of an entire company. Positions that are apparently irreconcilable must be brought into agreement in a role-play exercise to which we commit about half an hour.

Putdowns, Insults, Attacks . . . and You

     Here they are at the old boys’ class reunion, sharing memories of those long-ago highs and lows in the classroom, the dorm, the gym and the dining hall.
     Sure enough, it happens, one of them tells a story, and the guy across the picnic table from him stands up and says, “That’s a really old joke.” The guy walks off a few feet and stands impatiently, waiting for his buddies to leave.
     The insulted person sits there looking at the insulter. “You haven’t changed a bit,” he says, silently to himself. What does he do now?
     We all dream of coming up with the perfect response for these moments. Actually, any response at all is just one option.
     If the targeted person says aloud what’s on his mind – “You haven’t changed a bit” – he is acting on the fight option, albeit at the lower-octane range of that approach. He is fighting fire with fire; not taking the putdown lying down.
 

When Projects Derail

     Do 30 percent of projects really fall short of requirements? Or is it 40 percent, 50? 60? Are the projects running over budget . . . ‘way over? Missing deliverable dates . . . by a lot?
     The reports often are more anecdotal than scientific, for good reason: How can you accurately measure what never was reliably established to start with?
     This is not necessarily about requirements and estimates, which often are precise and properly done. They are the source of comparisons between what was intended and what actually was accomplished, but they may well not be the cause of the overruns and shortfalls.
     A frequent reality of project execution is that the ground under those requirements and estimates is shifty and unreliable.
     Life in such a world can be frustrating for the project manager.

Brian Williams, Brady/Belichick & Their Bosses

     It’s hard to be a fan of an executive in the same way we look at top performers like Brian Williams, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick.

     But once in a while an instructive juxtaposition of events illustrates for us some important issues of high-level leadership.

     This week NBC news anchor Brian Williams is on a very hot seat as NBC investigates allegations that Williams falsely lionized himself in his reports on events during his visits to battlefronts. There is a chorus of demands that he resign.

     Williams anchors the NBC Nightly News, the top-rated evening news program on American television.

     Last week, it was Brady and Belichick of the New England Patriots being boiled in widespread condemnation, accused as cheaters seeking unfair advantage in alleged deflation of footballs. Even Brady’s idol, San Francisco Hall of Famer Joe Montana, jumped on.

Project Document Magic

     Bought a car once from one of the best salesmen I ever met.

     First, he asked questions about our wants, needs, preferences and financial range. He listened attentively, and asked meaningful follow-ups.

     We looked at cars and discussed them. We decided to talk at greater length about one model, and sat down to do so.

     Before long, the salesman was asking us questions about ourselves, and writing down some of the answers.

     At the time, I happened to be teaching “Personal Selling” to university students, and I found myself admiring this entire performance in the new-car showroom.

     Among the challenges in sales is winning the trust of your prospect. Another is disciplining yourself to delicately tend this new relationship, enhancing the trust while eliciting details about what could convince this person to buy . . . or not.

Motivation

     The campaign was very persistent. This ambitious entrepreneur wanted my signature on a contract tying me to his consulting company for X number of years.

     He kept after me. I kept resisting, refusing to do it.

     In the climactic conversation on the topic, he offered me three incentives to sign. The only one I now remember was the first, tickets to a boxing match. Turning that down was not a problem, since I’m not a boxing fan. The other two were no more attractive.

     No deal. We concluded that intense exchange when he finally said, “Man! Are you difficult to deal with!”

     There was a point there, although he had it aimed in the wrong direction. It indeed is difficult to persuade a person . . . when you’re clueless as to what motivates that person.

     It is a fact that you can’t motivate anyone other than yourself. People motivate themselves. I am moved to action because I expect the action to provide for me something I value.

How You Get What You Deserve

     The two of us were standing at the bar this one time during a rare event at which we worker bees could socialize with our superiors.

     “So,” my manager asked me, “where do you want to go in this business? What job would you like to have?”

     I, a beginner, had no idea. I gave some generic reply, because I had never thought of anything like that. Didn’t think about it after that exchange, either.

     Until two or three years later when that manager was promoted. I put in for the job, and as far as I knew I was the only person in the place who did.

     Then weeks passed, and I heard nothing.

     I had a pretty good relationship with another senior manager, and I thought he might be in on the decision. Eventually, I asked him what was going on, and got a painfully noncommittal response.

     After a long hiatus, they brought in someone from the outside to fill the position.

How to Get the Boss to Behave

     The boss thought he had fired me, but I got his boss to cram me back down his throat.

     It took a year, but he (the firing guy) got me in the end.
     I brought it on myself. I tried it again -- using the “nuclear alternative” of going over my manager’s head – for a second time.

     Take my advice: Don’t do that. It doesn’t work.

     This second round, the manager lined up the political ducks, they stepped aside . . . and my nine-year career in my first real job was over.

     You’d think I would have learned a real lesson, but I didn’t. Until 30+ years later.

     In Scene II, older but not yet wiser, I have taken a radical turn in my life. I am not a newspaper editor/manager any more. Now I’m a consultant/trainer.

     I’m doing role play with employees of a high-tech company, and we’re working on managing conflict situations. As we’re looking for subject matter, my ancient confrontation pops to mind, and I offer it.

     I describe the scene, with the egotistical senior editor posing behind a large desk and the infuriated young city editor (me) leaning in from the other side. At the back of the office, three compliant older editors are lined up to serve as a silent chorus to witness, disapprovingly, the fate of an insubordinate employee.

Managing Bad News

     I had botched it – badly. Unmistakably.

     An assignment had gone well, and it was obvious that organization could use further help.

     In an excess of enthusiasm, I immediately drew up and dispatched a proposal seeking the additional work. So far so good. Professional follow-up selling, right?

    Then came the dawn.

    This wasn’t my client.  It was my client’s client, and it was a big, important one for her. Not only had I overstepped a sacred boundary, but it was in a particularly delicate matter.

     The client’s decision-maker was a prickly and headstrong person, and my patroness had carefully cultivated the relationship. If he wasn’t offended by this aggressive sales pitch of mine, she certainly would be. My client had trusted in my professionalism, and I had blown it.

Argument Builds Relationships

     This guy startled me.

     We had disagreed, and then I described in greater detail what I meant. He listened. Then he said, “You’re right. Now I see your point, and I agree.” I was really nonplussed. That had never happened to me before.

     I came from a large, very verbal family, and one thing we never did was give in on an argument. If the words didn’t work, even in waves of escalated volume and intensity, we tended to get physical. Growing into the larger world, and learning to keep it strictly verbal, I discovered that most people are not accustomed to debate as sport, or even as instructive.

Pal, Parent, Partner, Project Manager

      A few months into my first real job, Anna Marie and I tied the knot. Because of my zero seniority, the system grudgingly allowed a long weekend off to honor the occasion.

    Then, two days before the wedding, my boss the managing editor had an epiphany right there in the middle of the newsroom. He announced that such an important occasion certainly called for more than an extra day off or two. On the spot, I was granted a full week for a honeymoon . . . too late to do much planning for use of the generous gift.

     A little later, a similar act of largesse marked the birth of our first child: I got a raise. Nothing to do with the value of my work. Just the man showing kindness to the kid who now would need a few more bucks.

     It may or may not come as a surprise, but a somewhat bumpy tenure at that place ended very badly for me after a few years.

     That manager was acting on a philosophy that was flawed and destructive. Days off and pay increases are not acts of generosity.

The Teamwork Myth

     Let’s all applaud the corporate “leadership team.” There they stand on the stage at the annual stockholders’ meeting. Sharp-looking (almost all) men, accomplished, highly paid, tough, smart . . . and back at the shop knifing each other between the shoulder blades at every opportunity.

     Okay, you don’t think they’re really a team.

     How about this: The United States creates a Department of Homeland Security to coordinate the anti-terrorism work of the FBI, the Defense Intelligence Agency and all those other intelligence organizations – national, state and local – including the CIA.  Teamwork intention on a grand, and very noticeable, scale.

     The CIA (Central Intelligence Agency) itself had been formed decades before to overcome the very obvious and costly dis-collaboration among our spycatchers. It quickly became only one more part of the problem. “Central Intelligence Agency” – get it? Get everybody together? When?

     Homeland Security pretty much seems to follow the same pattern.

Career Move: Talk to the Boss

     It was still summer, but for some reason the department secretary asked our city editor whether he was planning to attend the boss’s annual staff cocktail party, generally held in the early fall.

     “No. I’m busy that day,” the guy said.

     “But you don’t even know when it will be,” the secretary protested.

     “I know,” he answered. “I’m still busy that day.”

     The boss – specifically, the top editor of our medium-sized daily – was not a bad person. Kind of distant, though, and committed to a somewhat alien set of standards. I bumped into him once at a big university while I was there on a recruiting trip for reporters and interns.

How to Argue

You never know whether your opinion is right until you get into an argument about it. And, if you don’t argue properly, you may never know.

People talk a lot of foolishness about arguing. Some say it’s a bad thing and should be avoided. They believe it accomplishes nothing except to hurt people, damage relationships and harden attitudes. Others say it’s a lost art because of “political correctness.” They are convinced that people tiptoe around each other, letting good ideas as well as error and misinformation slide by because they don’t want conflict.

So here’s a question for you: How much progress is possible without disagreement?

Competition is disagreement. Coke vs. Pepsi. The two flavors have competed for about a century, and their respective proponents have been known to disagree – sometimes vociferously – about their relative merits.

'I Hate Mistakes'

People who hate mistakes are dangerous people.

They rarely come right out and say they hate mistakes, but the markers for the attitude are obvious anyway. If you’re a manager, you can’t afford to ignore them.

When mistakes happen – as they inevitably do – the most devoted mistake-haters tend to react ferociously. Not only do they strongly, instantly distance themselves from any association with the problem, but they come down hard on the designated perp. That person can expect blunt and unforgiving condemnation.

Conflict

The very idea of conflict is awful. It causes discomfort, sometimes pretty intense discomfort.

 If I give in to a contentious person, or back off because I don’t want to get into an argument, I feel like dirt afterward – the doormat syndrome. Anyone who witnessed the attack and defeat/retreat may well sympathize, but they often lose respect for me anyway.